


Magical Heating

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [13]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Kidfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?Their heating's broken, but Jeremy has a plan...
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	Magical Heating

Richard peered at the kettle, shivering. He wasn’t really supposed to, he knew, not since the last time he’d freaked James out spilling boiling water all over the place, but he was really very cold and anyway, he hadn’t spilled the water on himself – or James, or Jeremy. He paused, peering back out of the kitchen door to see if there was any sign of Jeremy yet. He’d been waiting an hour since James had gone into work, shooting out of the house, thermos of tea in his hand, too rushed to even notice that the heating wasn’t working.

There was a thin layer of snow on the ground outside, and even with his duvet wrapped round him, Richard was still shivering, he was going to have to either go for the kettle or wake Jeremy up.

“Which one’s going to get me in more trouble?” he asked himself. “James trouble,” he looked at the kettle, “or Jezza trouble.” He looked up the stairs. “Tough call.”

But then James was out. He reached for the kettle, filling it with just enough water for him, then turning it on.

“Hamster!” Richard jumped out of his skin, grateful he’d already let go of the kettle, and hurriedly flicked the switch back off.

“Jez?” He shuffled back out of the kitchen and looked up the stairs, spotting his friend still half asleep on the stairs and clearly completely unaware that he’d touched the forbidden kettle. He tried not to look guilty.

“Why is it so cold in here?”

“I can’t get the heating to switch on,” responded Richard, shrugging.

“James tried?”

“James got up late,” grinned Richard.

“Ahh,” Jeremy nodded his comprehension and turned to look at the boiler, which was noisily repeatedly failing to turn on. “Ahh,” he added. “That sounds broken.”

“So it does,” agreed Richard, raising one eyebrow as he waited for Jeremy to get on with it. “Can you make me a hot chocolate?”

His friend grinned. “James banned you,” he chuckled. “What is it worth?”

“Me not waking you up tomorrow?” offered Richard.

The older man rolled his eyes, heading into the kitchen without further complaint.

Richard followed him, wrapping the duvet around himself more tightly even though it didn’t feel as though it was having any effect.

Jeremy eyed him sceptically. “I’ll call the plumber in a minute, Hamster,” he grinned. “I’m sure hot chocolate will warm up your skinny hamster bones in the meantime. Go sit on the sofa.”

The boy did as he was told, taking the opportunity to tuck his feet up inside the duvet. By the time Jeremy appeared with the hot chocolate only the tip of his head was showing but he was still shivering.

“Here,” said Jeremy. “If you’re still in there?”

“Just about,” grumbled Richard, releasing a hand to grab the mug.

Jeremy laughed, watching him try to take the mug inside the duvet, then digging in his pocket for his phone. “I’ll call the plumber,” he announced, wandering off again.

………………………………………………………………

“Hamster?” For the second time, Richard jumped, though this time less out of guilt.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, you are still there! I thought it was just a mound of blankets!”

“Still here,” muttered Richard miserably, the hot chocolate already having worn off and his body returning to shivering under the blanket.

“The plumber’s going to be a while,” announced Jeremy, somewhat sympathetically.

“Define a while,” responded Richard, through chattering teeth.

“Two days,” admitted Jeremy. “I think I upset him last time when I flushed his spanner down the toilet.”

“It’s possible,” agreed Richard, his eyebrow arching again.

“But it’s OK, because I have a plan. Go get dressed, we’re on a mission!”

A Clarkson plan? Richard’s heart sank, but he cooperated, at least out somewhere they might find somewhere heated.

……………………………………………………………

“This,” said Jeremy, “is the last man-sized onesie in the entire town,” he grinned, holding his arms out to show how well it fitted him.

“Presumably because no one else in the entire town is as big as you so this one didn’t fit anyone,” commented Richard, trying not to giggle as the warmth flooding into him in the shop and the sight of Jeremy in a full, black gorilla onesie hit him. “It’s a good fit, that’s definitely the one. But what about James?”

“Well, there are plenty of woman-sized onesies,” observed Jeremy. “As long as we find one for a tall woman, he’ll be fine.”

Richard grinned again. “Right, something really fetching and pink, you’re thinking?”

“It crossed my mind,” admitted Jeremy. “And clearly there was no other choice, because I’m far too tall to wear a woman’s onesie.”

“Clearly,” nodded Richard, grinning.

“We’ll find yours first,” suggested Jeremy. “Then we’ll have a bit of fun.”

“Lots of choice for me,” said Richard, wandering into the children’s department and walking down an entire aisle of onesies in a wide range of colours and sizes.

“No hamsters though,” mourned Jeremy.

“I could handle a change,” grinned Richard, “bit of variety. What do you think? Dragon, dinosaur, pokemon, bear or rabbit?”

“You skipped the unicorn,” commented Jeremy, grabbing a bright pink and pastel rainbow coloured onesie with a horn.

“Ha ha,” said Richard. “I figured we’d save that for James, since I’m actually here to stop you.”

Jeremy giggled. “He’s going to be so cross.”

Richard grinned back. “But warm, so he can’t complain too much. I think dragon,” he decided, grabbing a bright red and yellow outfit with small wings and a removable tail.”

“Sort of halfway to demon too, nice,” nodded Jeremy. He bent down and whispered. “You remembered that James said you were the size of a 9 year old, right?”

“Yes,” said Richard quickly, waiting until Jeremy’s back was turned then swapping the dragon onesie for a smaller one. “James then?”

Jeremy beamed malevolently. “Definitely.” He took hold of Richard’s onesie, slinging it over his arm with his own, then grabbing Richard’s hand and heading into the women’s department.

“Jez!” exclaimed Richard. “I can see a grown up unicorn!”

The man stopped abruptly, turning to see what Richard was on about and grinning hugely as he saw the diagonally striped pink and blue unicorn onesie on the rack. “In an XL, I think? He is 6ft,” he suggested, reaching over to peer at the labels before grabbing one and holding it in the air. “About right, you think?”

“Perfect,” grinned Richard, suddenly keen to get back to their freezing cold house.

“I hope James likes his present,” laughed Jeremy.

……………………………………………………

By the time James got home, tired and slightly stressed, Jeremy and Richard were cuddled up on the big red sofa, onesies on and a small, electric heater at their feet, with the TV showing a Scrapheap Challenge marathon and earning quite a few comments from both Jeremy and Richard as they went along.

“Why is it so cold in here?” asked James. “Were you having some sort of pyjama party?”

“Ah, well, yes and no,” said Richard. “Onesies were the warmest thing we could find, the heating’s broken.”

“Did you not think to call someone in?” asked James, turning to look at Jeremy.

“I did,” protested Jeremy. “I did that this morning! But the plumber hates me, so he’ll be a couple of days.”

James sighed. “There aren’t any plumbers in the area who you haven’t upset at some point?”

“It’s a skill,” admitted Jeremy, pulling his best guilty, sad face, which looked even more ridiculous with the hood of the gorilla onesie up, a gorilla’s face showing above the man’s huge hair.

James snorted, the look on his face making Richard look up at Jeremy and start giggling as well.

“We did get you a onesie as well though,” put in Jeremy, beaming as he handed a carrier bag to James.

“Hmmm,” said James, already suspicious. “Let me guess, you’re an ape, so I’m a spaniel?”

“Ah, well,” began Richard. “We had a bit of trouble.”

“Oh God,” cried James. “Worse than a spaniel?”

“Depends on your preferences,” pointed out Jeremy, “it’s very fetching.”

James peered into the bag. “You utter cocks!” he exclaimed, glaring at them both, but not without a small smirk creeping onto his lips.

“Look how nice it feels!” cried Richard, leaping up from his hole between Jeremy’s body and arm to wrap his arms round James’s stomach. “It’s amazing!”

James grinned, stroking Richard’s back between his wings. “That does feel nice,” he conceded.

“Please, James,” added Richard, nudging his friend with the bag and looking up at him with wide, brown eyes.

James rolled his eyes, but took the bag, disappearing upstairs and reappearing ten minutes later in full unicorn. “I feel ridiculous,” he declared, clearly embarrassed.

“That’s OK, James,” said Richard, with a commendably straight face, “no one’s looking – only us.”

Jeremy beamed at him. “Come and try this out, I guarantee, you won’t care anymore.” He wrapped his left arm round Richard, pulling him up and entirely onto his lap, then widened the stretch of his right arm to make space for James.

“Have you just ousted me for James?” protested Richard.

Jeremy grinned. “James is too big to sit on my knee,” he replied. “Don’t worry, this’ll be just as good.”

Cautiously, James approached them, part reluctance, part temptation, until he stood beside Jeremy’s knees, Richard’s feet dangling before him. “Seriously?” he asked.

The others both nodded silently, their eyes wide and keen.

Finally, James sat down, shuffling into the space beside Jeremy and pulling Richard’s feet down onto his lap.

“And?” said Richard, still all eyes and enthusiasm as he rested his head against Jeremy’s furry gorilla chest and wiggled his bare feet on James’s furry, stripy legs.

“Just a minute,” said James, “I’m enjoying the moment.” He smiled at them, slowly. “You’re right,” he admitted, “that does feel amazing.”

“And warm!” added Jeremy.

“We should break the heating more often,” grinned Richard.

“I’m pretty sure it would be a lot easier to just turn it off occasionally,” observed James, relaxing into the sofa in his pink and blue unicorn onesie, surrounded by his two mates – his brothers.

Even if they were numpties sometimes, they had the odd good idea.


End file.
